You *Heart* Nerds, Huh?
You *heart* nerds, huh? Really? Do you even know what a nerd is, pretty girl?
I’ve been seeing this a lot lately; women who look like they should be dating a musician or a hack associate producer on a crappy reality show, espousing their “love” of nerds. Some of these women are hot, empirically speaking. While, I would not necessarily agree with that opinion, I can understand that this society would grant these ladies “hot” status. And, apparently, they love nerds. That is, if you believe their expensive shirts they bought in some boutique in Beverly Hills. Or if you believe the posts I see on Facebook from these ladies. Or if you buy that a hot girl hosting a video game show on G4 would actually go for the geeks that designed said video games.
Obviously, I’m finding this all very hard to believe, being a nerd myself. Yeah, that’s right, I said it! I know a lot of people look at me and perhaps wouldn’t buy that, instead thinking ex-con, or gear head. While those monikers hold true, I am first and foremost, a nerd. Now granted, I wasn’t the stereotypical 80’s nerd with the pocket protector and Sears short-sleeved dress shirt only scientists outside of their labs would wear, but I was an invisible geek for the most part. I loved video games and skateboarding. The latter, by the way, was NOT received as well as it is today. You see, in the 80’s when I started skateboarding, most people (especially jocks and pretty girls) thought you were a child if you were into such activities, and would think nothing of saying horrible things to you because of your chosen “sport.” Sometimes even escalating it to physical violence. Ahh, high school… Of course, now skaters have gained a bit of respectability, which I am happy about. But understand, young’ens, that it was only through our emotional and physical torment that you enjoy such “coolness.”
Recently, I was at In-N-Out in Hollywood, right across the street from Hollywood High, and noticed a very pretty high school girl (don’t make this weirder than it already is) wearing that ubiquitous saying on a rather expensive looking shirt: I *heart* nerds. I’ll bet you do, darling. I’ll bet you troll the hallways of HH looking for any chubby guy with a comic book t-shirt, or maybe a pimple faced weirdo who carries a twenty sided die everywhere he goes.
I fucking doubt it.
So. In an effort to get you ladies who so flippantly play with the emotions of nerds everywhere, to understand nerds, allow me to take you on a tour of my somewhat pedestrian nerdom.
Music. Pretty innocuous subject, right? I mean, we all listen to music. It is indeed, the one thing that all human societies have in common. So, how can this be a nerd-like subject? Well, let me put it this way: I hate your music. One thing you will find out about nerds is that they are more than willing to give you their opinions on things they love or hate. Even if it means getting beaten up by a meathead that thinks that X-Files shirt is “gay.” A nerd will try to explain to him why that show was so great. Granted, it will be muffled by the sound of pummeling and laughing, but nerds believe in logic, and truly believe that logic will prevail. As do I.
Now, back to my hatred of your music. “But, how do you know you’ll hate my music? You don’t even know what I listen to!” No, but I know I don’t listen to it, therefore it sucks. Unless it happens to be what I listen to, but I will still look down the top of glasses at you because how can you possibly understand those Tool lyrics? I’ve actually stopped dating women based on their musical choices. I was on a date once, and the young lady thought out loud, “I gotta get the new Alicia Keys album.” That TGiF meal was eaten in record time, and the drive home was silent save for the music of Mississippi John Hurt.
Turned on by nerds, are you?
Movies. Hey, we all love movies, right? “I love going to the movies!” Yeah, but you don’t LOVE movies. You love the activity of going to the movies. The being out of the house, the smell of popcorn, the darkened theatre. And I love these things as well, however, you do not LOVE movies. I love movies. I own over 250 DVDs. My room is plastered with rare movie posters. I have a tattoo on my right arm of movie reels. Yeah! Think you love movies now? Bullshit!
If you’ve ever gone to the movie theatre unsure of what you might see, “We’ll just see what’s playing and pick something.” You’re a child. Children enjoy all movies. I can remember a time when I was a child thinking that all movies were kinda good because they all told a story. Then I turned twelve and saw “Once Upon a Time in America.” (It was much easier in 1984 to sneak into movies). After that four hour Sergio Leone masterpiece, I realized that not all movies are created equal. Not even fucking close.
Have you ever driven for over an hour just to see a one night only screening of “Dr. Strangelove”? Can you quote scene after scene from “Goodfellas”? Do you even know who Andrei Tarkovsky is? I spent the fucking 90’s at The New Beverly. Do you even know what that is? Then you don’t love movies. I love movies so much that I hate almost all movies that are released today. If I was in love, I mean, in LOVE with a young lady and she told me she wanted to see “Avatar,” it would be like feeding me saltpeter. I don’t think I could ever get an erection with her ever again, because I would keep hearing her, “That movie looks like fun!”
Watching a movie at home with a geek like me means a lot of pausing and explaining. Why this shot is so incredible. Why that scene changed movie making forever. How Peckinpah got his actors to perform by scaring the shit out of them. All told with a bittersweet tone because I know those days of truly great film making are over. By the way, that “hip” and “weird” movie you saw a long time ago, “American Beauty” is a piece of shit and Tim Burton’s a hack.
How many of you empirically beautiful women want a date with me now?!
Video games. Finally we get to a subject that is quite divisive. Something that MOST women would get turned off by, right? Most, except for those that *heart* nerds. Most nerds have an unhealthy attachment to either comic books OR video games. A few rather rare ones, love them both equally. I never really got into comic books in high school, I had enough trouble getting girls to like me. But I loved video games. And gaming (that’s our term for it) was something I could keep at home and pretend like I didn’t really get into. “My little brothers play video games, not me!” Well, those days of betrayal are over, and thankfully, video games have forgiven me and allowed me back into the fold.
Ladies, understand, that if you date a nerd, you will have to share him with his PS3 or Xbox 360 (or in my case, both). The real, and I mean REAL gamer nerds play on extremely beefed up PCs, a level of nerdom even I can’t understand. It is not unusual for a gamer to play a session all night long. We may not be able to fuck all night long, but fighting Super Mutants on Fallout 3 we can do. Wait, where are you ladies going? I thought you *hearted* nerds, no? I am now in my late thirties, and I have no need to give them up. By the way, “hot chick,” just because you watched your jock ex-boyfriend play Madden Football for an hour, does not mean you *heart* nerds.
So, what did we learn? That you probably don’t really *heart* nerds, huh? You see, if you put glasses on Matt Damon, he’s still fucking Matt Damon! If Johnny Depp plays a weirdo, nervous type, he’s still fucking Johnny Depp! Not that I have anything against these guys, but they are not nerds. Woody Allen is a nerd. But let’s face it, if he wasn’t a comedic and film making genius, he would have NEVER gotten Mia Farrow. (I refuse to discuss the other, weirder aspects of his life because I love “Annie Hall” too much).
Understand, that I only took you on a journey of my own (somewhat) normal nerd tendencies. I am on the outskirts of Nerdtown. The denizens of that township actually know the difference between Marvel and DC comics and their D&D characters are ready to fight any battle in any underworld setting created. In essence, I don’t fucking believe you, hot girl. I mean, if I see a nerd girl wearing that shirt, I’d believe it. But she wouldn’t, because she’s got her own agenda. Only women that are unattainable for nerds (without money) seem to wear these shirts. And, personally, I’m insulted. Because you don’t fucking mean it. If you’re wearing that shirt, you better be holding hands with a chubby guy wearing an ill fitting Final Fantasy shirt with bad hair and bad skin who keeps pushing back his loose, un-ironic 80’s lawyer glasses back to the bridge of his nose.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m starting a new FPS/RPG game on Xbox 360 today.
